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Rape and Recovery
So, I have a question about rape and recovery. I normally don't casually ask questions like this, but I'm getting kind of bewildered by it now, so I want other opinions. LJ-cut for sensitivity, although there's not any specifics or anything.
Character D is raped by his co-workers, Character X and Character S. He's very upset, an emotional and psychological wreck, as really you'd expect. Character A, is... often supportive of him, sometimes weirdly verbally abusive. Whatever.
Days (?) later, before the anal tearing has even healed, they're having sex. They have never had sex before.
One of my friends voices the opinion that this fic is disgusting, basically using rape as a plot device by which to force two characters to be vulnerable so that they can get together. If there were ever a story that actually dealt with rape and recovery, there would not BE sex in that story, because it often takes years to get over that sort of thing.
Someone else says that that's not true, that "most women" go back to having sex with their boyfriends/husbands/etc. without therapy or any significant recovery period.
To me that sounds ridiculous, not to mention counterintuitive, and contrary to everything I've more or less ever known about rape. But another friend of mine seconded that opinion: most women don't need therapy or an acclimation period to feel comfortable with sex.
Now, people deal with things in different ways, and I know that situations themselves can be vastly different -- a girl who was drugged and wakes up naked and sore on a stranger's couch isn't necessarily going to have the same reaction as someone who was held at knifepoint and fully aware of what happened.
But what do other people think? What's "normal"? Is this a commonly held belief I've never heard about, or even a fact? Have you ever known any victims, how did they resume their sex life?
Character D is raped by his co-workers, Character X and Character S. He's very upset, an emotional and psychological wreck, as really you'd expect. Character A, is... often supportive of him, sometimes weirdly verbally abusive. Whatever.
Days (?) later, before the anal tearing has even healed, they're having sex. They have never had sex before.
One of my friends voices the opinion that this fic is disgusting, basically using rape as a plot device by which to force two characters to be vulnerable so that they can get together. If there were ever a story that actually dealt with rape and recovery, there would not BE sex in that story, because it often takes years to get over that sort of thing.
Someone else says that that's not true, that "most women" go back to having sex with their boyfriends/husbands/etc. without therapy or any significant recovery period.
To me that sounds ridiculous, not to mention counterintuitive, and contrary to everything I've more or less ever known about rape. But another friend of mine seconded that opinion: most women don't need therapy or an acclimation period to feel comfortable with sex.
Now, people deal with things in different ways, and I know that situations themselves can be vastly different -- a girl who was drugged and wakes up naked and sore on a stranger's couch isn't necessarily going to have the same reaction as someone who was held at knifepoint and fully aware of what happened.
But what do other people think? What's "normal"? Is this a commonly held belief I've never heard about, or even a fact? Have you ever known any victims, how did they resume their sex life?
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Everyone is different. If ten people are in a car crash, you will get ten different versions of 'getting over it'.
I believe that perhaps a person, having been raped, could concievably get over it 'quickly', and for other people it would take years and therapy. I think it would depend on the situation- who brutalized them? Had they been a sheltered person, sexually, before then? Had they had a good sex life with someone they trusted?
The context and how the victim (who doesn't always allow him/herself to mentally be a victim) internalizes the experience, is very important.
As for the fic- I haven't read it, but I've read a few like it, and I don't think they're very realistic.
He's an emotional and psychological wreck and he goes looking for sex? *raises eyebrow* Riiiiiiiiiight.
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Anyway, I wouldn't think a victim would want to have sex for a while afterward. I mean... for one thing, it would probably still hurt a little, and I'd think it would still subconsciously remind them of the rape for a while until they were able to settle back into things better. (The one in that SVU episode was a really extreme example, but she was raped by a guy that broke into her apartment in the middle of the night while she was asleep and raped her in her own bed, so... that would be different.)
I guess on the other hand, you could have some people who would become more sexual out of some kind of shame-induced self-destructive desire.
I don't really know what I'm talking about.
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I think most of them are written out of- as you said- the desire to make character D vulnerable and willing to have sex with character A when A makes the offer.
It's an 'easy' way for the writer to get two characters into bed, and one of the less realistic (in my opinion) ways.
I'm curious though- where did the person who said "'most women' go back to having sex with their significant others easily" get their information?
That sounds like a rather vast and possibly incorrect generalization to me.
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I seem to recall reading somewhere that men tend to internalize it even more than women do, though I could very much be wrong.
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I don't know if it's possible to have healthy, caring sex so soon after, perhaps it'd be better to say. And I don't think fangirls care. I think fandom is too often deadened to consequences.
That person, apparently, works in the ER, and has in that way come into contact with some raped women. She did not make the claim that this made her an expert, but I was given to understand that this was where she'd formed her opinion.
Of course, that's a very small percentage of raped women -- only 30% report the rape, only 60% of those go to a hospital, and only like 30% of those go to the ER, according to statistics I found -- and I don't think an ER surgeon is really capable of saying how these women go back to their daily lives. It's not like they come back and break down their emotional states for the doctors in the ER, right?
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I agree though, I think you've got it right on the ball. Even if you're willing to have sex afterwards, if you have a loving partner and you want to move on, it seems to me like there would still be that residual association that would ruin it for you. And a really loving partner, I think, would have to be very careful dealing with it-- careful not only not to push for sex, but careful that if offered sex, it's offered for the right reasons, and not out of insecurity, or damaged self-esteem, or fear.
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I think these are two seperate issues. Having sex. Feeling comfortable with it again.
Obviously everyone handles this differently, and I've never been raped so this is based on knowing people who have and my own views on the way people act.
Anyway, I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone to want to PROVE they are unaffected or "make it go away" by going back to living their life as it was or even more aggressively. (Like in the case of taking the current relationship to the next level.)
I'm not saying it is or isn't healthy. But I think that is a very possible response in some people. They want to feel like they are in control of their body again. I think they are likely to have a breakdown at some point with this kind of behavior, but I could totally see the sex. Maybe even an abundance of it in some cases.
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Friend A: She was in a long distance relationship at the time (to a man she is now married to) and afterwards she completely blamed herself for every little thing she did that led to it happening. This became even worse when her boyfriend at the time broke up with her over it. (btw, I don't like him very much and I still hold a grudge for this action even if he is her husband now)
Anyway, when she won him back, upon their next meeting they had sex with no difficulty. However, by this time several months had passed. In some ways I still don't think she is "over it" though.
Friend B: She was kind of my template for my response. Afterward she had more sex. I think partially just so she could be the one making the choice. And partially because she had been a virgin before that and she wanted to look at sex as being unimportant and casual and frivolous so that she didn't have to feel like she lost anything.
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Male and female rape reactions may differ, but it's irrelevant, because in gay fanfic the submissive character is always portrayed as a woman anyway.
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Some of them even do do it to try and feel as if they are loved, as if it is a healing experience.
Notice I said "try and feel." From what I have seen, it does not work. While therapy may not be an absolute necessity, finding some way to deal with the emotional trauma IS. And unfortunately, an overwhelming majority of victims 'deal with it' by suppression, and that generally doesn't work.
Having read the fic in question, I have several problems with it.
1. It is generally extremely difficult to orgasm when one is feeling large ammounts of pain. I mean, nerves can carry pain signals or pleasure signals, but not both at once. Now, I'm not putting down BDSM, but most BDSM does not involve repeated re-injuring of anal tearing. Which is precisely what anal intercourse would do.
1a. Anal intercourse with someone who has suffered anal tearing could, quite literally, kill them. Anal tearing leads to seepage of waste--a la poison--into the body, which in turn leads to death. Obviously, this is a worst-case scenario--but anyone who really loved their partner of choice would not be willing to risk it until the anal tearing healed.
2. Having good sex is very much a trust issue. In my opinion and my experience, that is where the most and longest-lasting trauma associated with rape comes from. "D's" trust was violated eight ways to Sunday in that fic. I don't think he'd be CAPABLE of the kind of trust good sex would require, especially not that soon. He might have tried, but it would have been lousy sex.
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There's also the issue of cultural bias - if he's been raised in anything like a Western culture, then he might see being gay as the reason that he was attacked or even that being more openly gay will open him up to being raped again.
Either way, I see it as highly unlikely that he'd hop into bed with A. He may be willing to try, but the whole experience is probably going to set off triggers that D doesn't even know he has.
One of the rape-survivor stories that I read mentioned that the woman in question had no problem with sex but (her abuser worked and raped her in a garage) the smell of motor oil triggered an uncontrollable panic attack. So the sex itself may not be that big an ordeal but something like the feel of his partner's sweat or the sound of his breathing could trigger a flashback.
It's all a question of how one deals with abuse and, as a rule, men are conditioned to repress everything which means nightmares, panic attacks and the like.
But rape is an inherantly degrading experience and I don't think anyone would get through it unscathed.
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Thank you! That's yet another thing that I hate about bad fic.
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No, of course the fangirls don't care. They want hot smex and they don't care how out-of-whack their story really is. I'm not complaining about that, really- sometimes people just want uncomplicated porn (to each his own kink, so long as they don't take it outside fiction, thank you). But really- the world of smutfic would be so much better if people could write a situation for what it's likely to be in real life, am I right?
Of course, that's a very small percentage of raped women -- only 30% report the rape, only 60% of those go to a hospital, and only like 30% of those go to the ER, according to statistics I found -- and I don't think an ER surgeon is really capable of saying how these women go back to their daily lives. It's not like they come back and break down their emotional states for the doctors in the ER, right?
*nods* Indeed. The ones doing all of that are showing huge amounts of strength right there! They're telling people and they're going to get checked, their doctors and the police and probably a lot of other people are hearing about this as opposed to the lady keeping the situation to herself.
It would make more sense that a woman with that amount of determination would- if anyone would- go right back to her life. That sounds like the type of person who wouldn't want it to change anything. (And yet, that doesn't mean it wouldn't.)
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As others have said, it all really depends on the person. Some people can deal with stuff better than others. And as you said, it also depends a lot on how the rape happened. That doesn't mean they couldn't benefit with therapy whether in a group or by themselves. Rape is an incredibly horrible, terrifying, violating experience no matter how it happened.
Rape for males is completely different and not something I’m terribly familiar with. I’m sure there is a huge difference. Especially if he’s a heterosexual male who was anally raped. But I think that there would be a period of celibacy, especially if he’s emotionally and physically hurt. Again it’s not something I’m terribly familiar with, men tend to not talk about this stuff at all. They are suppose to tough it out which I doubt is very healthy way of coping. >.> Hell it’s not coping at all.
Still I tend to think that rape fics are just a cheap shot at angst. It drives me nuts. No one wants to be creative.
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I've seen more rape survivors than most people simply because of my line of work, both in the ER, in general family practice and in psych (therefore, I've also seen them at different stages in the healing process as well).
I know that many of my patients have gone back to having sex relatively quickly, but that is "many", not "most". I don't claim to know the actual percentage breakdown of what survivors do and when they do it, as "most" would imply; all I wanted to communicate in that comment is that a situation in which a rape survior did start having sex without years and years of therapy is not in any way unrealistic, that it happens in real life.