![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Abridged "All's Well That Ends Well"
This is my abridged version of the play, All's Well That Ends Well.
DIRECTOR: This is a play about a strong, pre-feminism feminist who does whatever it takes to get what she wants, even going to the king himself and winning his favor. No one can figure out why she wants to marry this jackass so badly, though. Maybe Shakespeare was making commentary on how your first love is never what's really good for you.
ACT 1 - IN WHICH HELENA IS MORE DELUDED THAN HINAMORI
Helena: God, I love Bertram so much.
Bertram: Damnit, that woman is still stalking me. Won't she take a clue?
Helena: *crycry*
Bertram's Mom: Why, it's the saintly, intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, but unfortunately low-born Helena! Why are you crying?
Helena: I'm in love with your son. I MEAN. I'M NOT.
Bertram's Mom: Oh, you'd make a great daughter-in-law, if only you weren't poor, and my son didn't hate you.
Helena: I don't intend to let THAT stop me.
The King: I'm terminally ill and sad about it.
Helena: I'm made of magic and can cure you.
The King: Holy crap, you did! Your Sue-powers are amazing! I'll give you anything you want.
Helena: I want to marry Bertram.
The King: Done!
Bertram: Wut.
The King: You'll marry this girl because she's saintly and intelligent and beautiful and compassionate, and if you don't I WILL BANISH YOU.
Bertram: ...this SUCKS.
Helena: Wedding day eeee. ♥
Bertram: Ugh, tonight I'm supposed to consummate this... thing we just did. You know what, I'd rather die. Helena, I'm going off to war.
Helena: ...this can't wait until tomorrow?
Bertram: NO.
Helena: *crycry*
Helena: Bertram is so good and wonderful and he really loves me deep down inside. I hope... I wasn't the reason he ran off to possibly get killed! That would SUCK FOR ME. D:
Kay: And him too, maybe.
Helena: WOE IS ME.
ACT 2 - IN WHICH HELENA BECOMES EVIL
Helena: I received this letter from Bertram. It says that he will never call me wife until the day when I wear his heirloom ring and carry his child. I'm going to retire to a nunnery so that he can come home and not die.
Bertram's Mom: I can't believe my ungrateful son doesn't realize what a saintly, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate woman he married!
Convenient Messenger: Helena died in the nunnery of an unspecified nunnery-borne illness.
Bertram's Mom: LOOK WHAT YOU DID, BERTRAM. DAMN YOU.
Helena: Man, all that wealth and good living and happiness was really cramping my style. Thank goodness I faked my death so I could stalk Bertram into a warzone.
Bertram: You all have to see this adorable village girl!! ♥♥ She's so sweet and lovely and fun to be around--
Parolles: Yeah yeah, we know, shut up about her already.
Helena: Why hello, village girl my husband likes. Did I mention he was my husband?
Diana: Wow, that's a lot of money. Why do you have that much money?
Helena: It's yours if you help me screw him over so that he'll love me again.
Diana: Well, I kind of like him. Also, I don't know if that's how love works.
Helena: This plus three thousand crowns.
Diana: Sold.
Diana: I think you should give me your heirloom ring before I sleep with you.
Bertram: ......this ring is really important to me. I can't just give it away. It's been passed down in my family for--
Diana: My virginity is also really important to me.
Bertram: ...well. I guess. Just for a while. It'll be a token of my intention to marry you once this thing with my dead wife is cleared up.
Diana: Ahahaha. I mean, yay! Come back later tonight for hanky-panky.
Parolles: MY MISFORTUNES ARE FUNNY BECAUSE I'M A BAD PERSON.
Helena: Teehee, wearing Diana's clothes, gonna rape my husband~ ♥
Bertram: Does it have to be so dark in here? I guess I don't need to see to-- Oh my.
Bertram: Well, time to go home and be a widower~ Lalala.
The King: You suck and I hate you for what you did to Helena, who is saintly etc etc, but I've decided to put this all behind me, for the sake of her love for you, you unworthy worm.
Bertram: Yeah, thanks.
The King: I've picked out your next wife.
Bertram: Oh. Okay. Actually, I really like this girl! She's the girl I wanted to marry, before you forced me to wed that whore-- I mean, uh. She's the girl who blinded me to all other women, therefore not allowing me to realize what a treasure I had until it was too late.
The King: Nice recovery.
Diana: Hey, Your Majesty! I'm here to tell you that Bertram is a cad, a cheater, a thief, and possibly murdered his wife!
Bertram: ...but, but you blackmailed me for that heirloom, and my wife was dead, and you told me that this ring was yours, and I was in France when she died.
Diana: I'll do a lot of lying for three thousand crowns, it turns out.
The King: This woman is incoherent and the things that are coherent are not logically sound! I hate her too! Guards, take Bertram away for murdering his wife!
Bertram: WUT.
Helena: Wait, everyone! I'm actually alive, I just faked it so that I could stalk Bertram and ruin his life in public! Out of LOVE!
Everyone: Oh, that Helena is such a saintly, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate person.
Helena: Now that I have your ring and I'm carrying your baby, which I know because I'm psychic, do you love me?
Bertram: I loathe you with all the depths of my soul.
Helena: ...
Bertram: I mean. I'll love you forever. ...god this sucks.
Kay: ...wait, that's "feminist"??
DIRECTOR: This is a play about a strong, pre-feminism feminist who does whatever it takes to get what she wants, even going to the king himself and winning his favor. No one can figure out why she wants to marry this jackass so badly, though. Maybe Shakespeare was making commentary on how your first love is never what's really good for you.
ACT 1 - IN WHICH HELENA IS MORE DELUDED THAN HINAMORI
Helena: God, I love Bertram so much.
Bertram: Damnit, that woman is still stalking me. Won't she take a clue?
Helena: *crycry*
Bertram's Mom: Why, it's the saintly, intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, but unfortunately low-born Helena! Why are you crying?
Helena: I'm in love with your son. I MEAN. I'M NOT.
Bertram's Mom: Oh, you'd make a great daughter-in-law, if only you weren't poor, and my son didn't hate you.
Helena: I don't intend to let THAT stop me.
The King: I'm terminally ill and sad about it.
Helena: I'm made of magic and can cure you.
The King: Holy crap, you did! Your Sue-powers are amazing! I'll give you anything you want.
Helena: I want to marry Bertram.
The King: Done!
Bertram: Wut.
The King: You'll marry this girl because she's saintly and intelligent and beautiful and compassionate, and if you don't I WILL BANISH YOU.
Bertram: ...this SUCKS.
Helena: Wedding day eeee. ♥
Bertram: Ugh, tonight I'm supposed to consummate this... thing we just did. You know what, I'd rather die. Helena, I'm going off to war.
Helena: ...this can't wait until tomorrow?
Bertram: NO.
Helena: *crycry*
Helena: Bertram is so good and wonderful and he really loves me deep down inside. I hope... I wasn't the reason he ran off to possibly get killed! That would SUCK FOR ME. D:
Kay: And him too, maybe.
Helena: WOE IS ME.
ACT 2 - IN WHICH HELENA BECOMES EVIL
Helena: I received this letter from Bertram. It says that he will never call me wife until the day when I wear his heirloom ring and carry his child. I'm going to retire to a nunnery so that he can come home and not die.
Bertram's Mom: I can't believe my ungrateful son doesn't realize what a saintly, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate woman he married!
Convenient Messenger: Helena died in the nunnery of an unspecified nunnery-borne illness.
Bertram's Mom: LOOK WHAT YOU DID, BERTRAM. DAMN YOU.
Helena: Man, all that wealth and good living and happiness was really cramping my style. Thank goodness I faked my death so I could stalk Bertram into a warzone.
Bertram: You all have to see this adorable village girl!! ♥♥ She's so sweet and lovely and fun to be around--
Parolles: Yeah yeah, we know, shut up about her already.
Helena: Why hello, village girl my husband likes. Did I mention he was my husband?
Diana: Wow, that's a lot of money. Why do you have that much money?
Helena: It's yours if you help me screw him over so that he'll love me again.
Diana: Well, I kind of like him. Also, I don't know if that's how love works.
Helena: This plus three thousand crowns.
Diana: Sold.
Diana: I think you should give me your heirloom ring before I sleep with you.
Bertram: ......this ring is really important to me. I can't just give it away. It's been passed down in my family for--
Diana: My virginity is also really important to me.
Bertram: ...well. I guess. Just for a while. It'll be a token of my intention to marry you once this thing with my dead wife is cleared up.
Diana: Ahahaha. I mean, yay! Come back later tonight for hanky-panky.
Parolles: MY MISFORTUNES ARE FUNNY BECAUSE I'M A BAD PERSON.
Helena: Teehee, wearing Diana's clothes, gonna rape my husband~ ♥
Bertram: Does it have to be so dark in here? I guess I don't need to see to-- Oh my.
Bertram: Well, time to go home and be a widower~ Lalala.
The King: You suck and I hate you for what you did to Helena, who is saintly etc etc, but I've decided to put this all behind me, for the sake of her love for you, you unworthy worm.
Bertram: Yeah, thanks.
The King: I've picked out your next wife.
Bertram: Oh. Okay. Actually, I really like this girl! She's the girl I wanted to marry, before you forced me to wed that whore-- I mean, uh. She's the girl who blinded me to all other women, therefore not allowing me to realize what a treasure I had until it was too late.
The King: Nice recovery.
Diana: Hey, Your Majesty! I'm here to tell you that Bertram is a cad, a cheater, a thief, and possibly murdered his wife!
Bertram: ...but, but you blackmailed me for that heirloom, and my wife was dead, and you told me that this ring was yours, and I was in France when she died.
Diana: I'll do a lot of lying for three thousand crowns, it turns out.
The King: This woman is incoherent and the things that are coherent are not logically sound! I hate her too! Guards, take Bertram away for murdering his wife!
Bertram: WUT.
Helena: Wait, everyone! I'm actually alive, I just faked it so that I could stalk Bertram and ruin his life in public! Out of LOVE!
Everyone: Oh, that Helena is such a saintly, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate person.
Helena: Now that I have your ring and I'm carrying your baby, which I know because I'm psychic, do you love me?
Bertram: I loathe you with all the depths of my soul.
Helena: ...
Bertram: I mean. I'll love you forever. ...god this sucks.
Kay: ...wait, that's "feminist"??
no subject
I'm sure Shakespeare meant that title sarcastically. XD
no subject
Someday I aim to love someone who despises me and then ruins his life in the pursuit of his love, just like Helena, my role model.