The worst part wasn't that Rukia had lost hope for her own survival (although he knew that she had) but that when he was there, Rukia acted like nothing had changed.
"Ohhh great Lieutenant Abarai, it's so generous of you to come and visit me!" she'd mock with a bored expression.
Or, "It's so amazing that anyone lets a shady-looking character like you in ere. Just one look at your eyebrows and they should be suspicious," she'd point out with a little smirk.
Renji wanted to grab her and (hold her close, as tightly as he could with the bars between them, hold her forever) shake her until the uncaring mask slid off her face unti she shouted at him, What's wrong with you!, so that he could shout back at her, Don't lie to me! He hated that she couldn't tell him how she felt; he knew it was his own fault, because he had been the one to capture her wearing his own pretty ruthless mask, because he was her bastard brother's lieutenant, but he needed her to be honest with him.
It made his heart break to see her pretending that nothing was wrong, for his sake.
He wasn't sure what he'd do if she cried, if she asked him to save her. Maybe he would stare at her helplessly, bound by the rules and every attachment he'd ever had, pale in comparison to her but still important. Or maybe he would damn the Soul Society, damn Byakuya, break out Zabimaru and bust her out of there right now.
Maybe she knew that. Maybe that was why she never asked.
All I ever wanted was to be with you, he thought. If I'd told you, instead of deciding to wait until you came back from the physical world so I could have my badge and my title, would things have turned out differently?
Knowing Rukia, probably not. Rukia was a creature of devout passions and intense beliefs,
Renji, on the other hand, was a creature of his heart. A pitiful dog, aching for a pat on the head, from her but also from anyone -- friends, superiors. Someone who could tell him he was worth it.
She had never given him that, but then, he had failed her so many times. He had never made it up to her.
Why should she be honest with him when he had never been honest with her?
It wasn't until later, lying in his hospital bed in bandages and staring listlessly at the ceiling, that he realized.
"Lieutenant Abarai, I apologize for intruding in your sickroom," said the Special Ops messenger, bowing politely. "I have most grave news. This morning, Captain Aizen's body was found on the grounds. There is no doubt that this was homicide. The ryoka are wanted for questioning. Lieutenant Kira and Lieutenant Hinamori have been jailed for fighting with released zanpakutou at the scene."
When the shock and the doubt faded, Renji returned to staring listlessly at the ceiling. Captain Aizen had believed in him. Kira and Hinamori had been his closest friends.
And he realized: There was nothing holding him to the Soul Society anymore. Everyone he had cared about had cut ties to it.
If he wanted Rukia, then it was time for him to do the same.
I loooooooooooooooooooove it! It's perfect for me! Heh, and for them of course! I love your descriptions of Renji and his need for approval. Love love love! Thank you! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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Ooooh, a shiny? I wouldn't mind something shiny. ^_^ Maybe a snippet of Renji x Rukia? You know me, bring the angst or whatever moves you.
Shiny for Haunt!
"Ohhh great Lieutenant Abarai, it's so generous of you to come and visit me!" she'd mock with a bored expression.
Or, "It's so amazing that anyone lets a shady-looking character like you in ere. Just one look at your eyebrows and they should be suspicious," she'd point out with a little smirk.
Renji wanted to grab her and (hold her close, as tightly as he could with the bars between them, hold her forever) shake her until the uncaring mask slid off her face unti she shouted at him, What's wrong with you!, so that he could shout back at her, Don't lie to me! He hated that she couldn't tell him how she felt; he knew it was his own fault, because he had been the one to capture her wearing his own pretty ruthless mask, because he was her bastard brother's lieutenant, but he needed her to be honest with him.
It made his heart break to see her pretending that nothing was wrong, for his sake.
He wasn't sure what he'd do if she cried, if she asked him to save her. Maybe he would stare at her helplessly, bound by the rules and every attachment he'd ever had, pale in comparison to her but still important. Or maybe he would damn the Soul Society, damn Byakuya, break out Zabimaru and bust her out of there right now.
Maybe she knew that. Maybe that was why she never asked.
All I ever wanted was to be with you, he thought. If I'd told you, instead of deciding to wait until you came back from the physical world so I could have my badge and my title, would things have turned out differently?
Knowing Rukia, probably not. Rukia was a creature of devout passions and intense beliefs,
Renji, on the other hand, was a creature of his heart. A pitiful dog, aching for a pat on the head, from her but also from anyone -- friends, superiors. Someone who could tell him he was worth it.
She had never given him that, but then, he had failed her so many times. He had never made it up to her.
Why should she be honest with him when he had never been honest with her?
It wasn't until later, lying in his hospital bed in bandages and staring listlessly at the ceiling, that he realized.
"Lieutenant Abarai, I apologize for intruding in your sickroom," said the Special Ops messenger, bowing politely. "I have most grave news. This morning, Captain Aizen's body was found on the grounds. There is no doubt that this was homicide. The ryoka are wanted for questioning. Lieutenant Kira and Lieutenant Hinamori have been jailed for fighting with released zanpakutou at the scene."
When the shock and the doubt faded, Renji returned to staring listlessly at the ceiling. Captain Aizen had believed in him. Kira and Hinamori had been his closest friends.
And he realized: There was nothing holding him to the Soul Society anymore. Everyone he had cared about had cut ties to it.
If he wanted Rukia, then it was time for him to do the same.
Time to take off the mask.
Re: Shiny for Haunt!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥