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Entry tags:
Bubble burst
Yesterday for the first time since I'd had it, I forgot to plug in my cell at night and my phone ran out of batteries in the afternoon. By the time I got home from work I had forgotten. No one ever calls me, so what did it matter anyway? But when I plugged it in right before bed, I discovered two voicemails from my dad. He was in Denver on business and wanted to know if I could have dinner with him.
I'm not actually a very deeply emotional person. It's not that I don't feel things, it's just that I don't dwell on them. I'm perfectly capable of saying to myself, "Okay. Now I'm going to stop being panicky/depressed/irritable." And it doesn't work perfectly, but it works -- I stop using behaviors I know stem from panic/depression/irritation and act more upbeat, and in a while my mind stops going to those bad places and I feel more upbeat.
I don't like excessive poking at my feelings, by other people or by myself. I just like to know how things stand. Be straightforward with me, I'll be straightforward with you, and we'll be good, whatever the problem. I live in a bubble -- in my bubble, I can be okay even if there's a crisis. Like I know, intellectually, that I am down $800+ because of assorted mischarges, refunds I'm not being paid, and identity theft right now. I am upset. But I'm not dwelling on it. I'm living with it. It isn't going to color my world even when it's not relevant.
But last night I cried myself to sleep. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm so... so devastated. I wanted to see him. It's been six months since I moved across the country. And I missed that chance, and who knows when I'll have another one?
I'm not actually a very deeply emotional person. It's not that I don't feel things, it's just that I don't dwell on them. I'm perfectly capable of saying to myself, "Okay. Now I'm going to stop being panicky/depressed/irritable." And it doesn't work perfectly, but it works -- I stop using behaviors I know stem from panic/depression/irritation and act more upbeat, and in a while my mind stops going to those bad places and I feel more upbeat.
I don't like excessive poking at my feelings, by other people or by myself. I just like to know how things stand. Be straightforward with me, I'll be straightforward with you, and we'll be good, whatever the problem. I live in a bubble -- in my bubble, I can be okay even if there's a crisis. Like I know, intellectually, that I am down $800+ because of assorted mischarges, refunds I'm not being paid, and identity theft right now. I am upset. But I'm not dwelling on it. I'm living with it. It isn't going to color my world even when it's not relevant.
But last night I cried myself to sleep. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm so... so devastated. I wanted to see him. It's been six months since I moved across the country. And I missed that chance, and who knows when I'll have another one?
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