Depression, probably only partially fandom-related

[sincere]

I rambled mopily and then I felt better by the end of it. Here it is for posterity, but be aware that by the time you read this I feel pretty okay and I'm prepping to post Marina's love meme so everything will be happy.

I wonder when I'm going to get out of this gloom. I feel very alone in fandom and just... online in general right now.

I have so many lovely friends on my DW but it never feels like enough; I'm always sad I can't lure more of them here. I'm always sad that I can't get my communities and fandoms more active, so it feels like I'm being happy into a void.

Am I losing my desensitization to online negativity? Is it just the lingering depression from my incredibly sucky February? I don't have the patience for it anymore. It doesn't even have to be directed to me or something I'm personally dealing with. Recently I've seen casual comments, made by strangers, in the journals of strangers, going, "I'm not a big fan of [thing that Kay likes]..." or "There's so much of [thing that Kay likes], I wish there were more of [other things]". Innocent, not judgmental comments, but which disappoint me anyway.

And of course, then there are judgmental comments, and I'm just the worst at online confrontation.

But this all is exactly why I've always avoided anoncomms, and stayed in my little corner of fandom. Why seek out negative comments or care about what other people want? Right now the negatives weighy me down and I feel like "What's the point in translating more of this novel?" and "Why bother replaying Tales of the Abyss" and "Everyone in these fandoms is sick of me / hates me / whatever."

I don't know if fandom changed and there's less fun positive content and reinforcement, or if I changed and I don't have the energy to seek it out and I find what's readily available too negative.

...you know, I think it's probably just lingering depression. I have always known these things about myself, and I have tried to avoid anoncomms and being involved in fandoms for a long time. It's getting to me more now because of deaths in my family, stress at work and at home, desire to move out of here, etc... But soon I'll bounce back from that and I'll be able to take things in stride again.

Because happiness means not caring about what other people are saying.

Comments

[temples]

And Jes loves Kay no matter what. ♥

[temples]

And - I went through a similar thing in January. I was inconsolable. It was like something had switched off and every minor bad thing was analogous to a personal tragedy and I just couldn't cope. It went away with time, even if the waiting felt really awful.

I'm here if you need anything.

[sincere]

/holds Jes forever ♥

That sounds about right. I will get through it! And Jes being awesome will help.

And movie night??

[temples]

We can do movie night tonight, if you'd like! Whatever Kay wants to watch. Even if it's that one movie with the child. ♥

[sincere]

Gasp! There's only one movie with the child and I know how Jes hates that!

We will think of something to watch. ♥

[temples]

I don't suppose you'd be in the mood for and/or have any Miyazaki? Just a suggestion!

[sincere]

We have at least Howl's Moving Castle. I think we might have some others, too. :|a I'll let you know when I get homeeee.

[temples]

Cool!

Not that I'm backing down from letting Kay pick, of course. Kay's choice tonight! ♥

[dawning_light]

I don't think it's you. I think sometimes fandom can be a judge-y and negative place, which is really unfortunate because when it's all fun and squeefulness which is so a word hush it's a great time.

I know it may not help much, but I could seriously never be sick of reading what you have to say about fandoms. It was wanting to be more able to participate with you and read the amazing translations that made me break down and even attempt to play a video game at all! You have this fascinating perspective on characters and canons and it makes me want to join in the fun. I'm seriously going to annoy you one of these days if I haven't already.

I hope things get better for you. Right now. /gathers up

[sincere]

Awww that all makes me happy. /lies on ♥ It's not annoying at all! I'm glad that even when it feels like I'm fanning into a void, people can enjoy it. :D

I'm going to work on getting better right now! (gym)

[slayerofgod]

Hey, I followed you here for a reason. ^^

As far as friends and whoever else not liking the same things you do goes, I get that too. I just tell myself that hey, you like it, and that's all that matters. Eventually it sticks.

[sincere]

You did! And I'm glad you did. /attaches to

I really do think it's just a MOOD I'm in right now because of all the sucking, because normally I am the most zen. I'm the one who rolls my eyes at the internet and tells other upset people, hey, it's not even worth complaining, let's just get sushi to make ourselves feel better. But right now it all just feels like it's weighing me down and I can't get out of it.

Bah. I hate feelings. Here is a Family Guy clip I am wholesale stealing from canavasary to express my hatred of feelings.

[walking_forward]

Sorry you feel that way currently.

When you can, maybe try taking a break from it all (be it fandom, internet, or whatever) and try to only focus on things that make you relaxed. Things always look/feel better, to me at least, after doing that.

Hope March is a better month for you.

[sincere]

That's not a bad idea, but March is a month full of writing commitments I've made. Also I am addicted to the internet. Maybe I should just try playing more video games instead of doing other things.

When Graces comes out I will drown myself in it.

[flyingmechanical]

Your February sounds about like mine, and I've been trying to shrug off the same thing. It's so disappointing to me to look at fandom here and how many people didn't move to DW, and I always take everything so personally-- well, [x] fic on LJ got a million comments and mine didn't here on DW, it's definitely just because no one wants to read my fic! /laugh

But it's always gotten better when my depression does, so I hope it does/am glad it is getting better for you!

[sincere]

Hooray, we're like -- depression twins! /lame five

It makes me really sad that DW fandom isn't active. I mean, to be fair, LJ fandom was declining for some time, but it makes me feel bad for constantly doing things in my fandom when I'm the only one who is. Like "I know I'm the entire front page of this community, but here's... another link to that thing I'm still doing... (okok) "

I'm looking forward to finding a way out of the slogging misery, so thanks for the good wishes. ♥