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Entry tags:
Depression, probably only partially fandom-related
I rambled mopily and then I felt better by the end of it. Here it is for posterity, but be aware that by the time you read this I feel pretty okay and I'm prepping to post Marina's love meme so everything will be happy.
I wonder when I'm going to get out of this gloom. I feel very alone in fandom and just... online in general right now.
I have so many lovely friends on my DW but it never feels like enough; I'm always sad I can't lure more of them here. I'm always sad that I can't get my communities and fandoms more active, so it feels like I'm being happy into a void.
Am I losing my desensitization to online negativity? Is it just the lingering depression from my incredibly sucky February? I don't have the patience for it anymore. It doesn't even have to be directed to me or something I'm personally dealing with. Recently I've seen casual comments, made by strangers, in the journals of strangers, going, "I'm not a big fan of [thing that Kay likes]..." or "There's so much of [thing that Kay likes], I wish there were more of [other things]". Innocent, not judgmental comments, but which disappoint me anyway.
And of course, then there are judgmental comments, and I'm just the worst at online confrontation.
But this all is exactly why I've always avoided anoncomms, and stayed in my little corner of fandom. Why seek out negative comments or care about what other people want? Right now the negatives weighy me down and I feel like "What's the point in translating more of this novel?" and "Why bother replaying Tales of the Abyss" and "Everyone in these fandoms is sick of me / hates me / whatever."
I don't know if fandom changed and there's less fun positive content and reinforcement, or if I changed and I don't have the energy to seek it out and I find what's readily available too negative.
...you know, I think it's probably just lingering depression. I have always known these things about myself, and I have tried to avoid anoncomms and being involved in fandoms for a long time. It's getting to me more now because of deaths in my family, stress at work and at home, desire to move out of here, etc... But soon I'll bounce back from that and I'll be able to take things in stride again.
Because happiness means not caring about what other people are saying.
I wonder when I'm going to get out of this gloom. I feel very alone in fandom and just... online in general right now.
I have so many lovely friends on my DW but it never feels like enough; I'm always sad I can't lure more of them here. I'm always sad that I can't get my communities and fandoms more active, so it feels like I'm being happy into a void.
Am I losing my desensitization to online negativity? Is it just the lingering depression from my incredibly sucky February? I don't have the patience for it anymore. It doesn't even have to be directed to me or something I'm personally dealing with. Recently I've seen casual comments, made by strangers, in the journals of strangers, going, "I'm not a big fan of [thing that Kay likes]..." or "There's so much of [thing that Kay likes], I wish there were more of [other things]". Innocent, not judgmental comments, but which disappoint me anyway.
And of course, then there are judgmental comments, and I'm just the worst at online confrontation.
But this all is exactly why I've always avoided anoncomms, and stayed in my little corner of fandom. Why seek out negative comments or care about what other people want? Right now the negatives weighy me down and I feel like "What's the point in translating more of this novel?" and "Why bother replaying Tales of the Abyss" and "Everyone in these fandoms is sick of me / hates me / whatever."
I don't know if fandom changed and there's less fun positive content and reinforcement, or if I changed and I don't have the energy to seek it out and I find what's readily available too negative.
...you know, I think it's probably just lingering depression. I have always known these things about myself, and I have tried to avoid anoncomms and being involved in fandoms for a long time. It's getting to me more now because of deaths in my family, stress at work and at home, desire to move out of here, etc... But soon I'll bounce back from that and I'll be able to take things in stride again.
Because happiness means not caring about what other people are saying.
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I'm here if you need anything.
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That sounds about right. I will get through it! And Jes being awesome will help.
And movie night??
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We will think of something to watch. ♥
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Not that I'm backing down from letting Kay pick, of course. Kay's choice tonight! ♥